Thursday, November 12, 2009
11/12/09
today was a 6. i know i'm more tired than usual, and i've realized that tends to kick up my symptoms. hopefully i can get a good night's rest tonight.
Monday, November 9, 2009
11/8/09
had an absolutely great weekend. went out of town with brad for my best friend's 30th bday. had a blast. would give the whole weekend a 10, but will stick with a 9 because i feel to earn a true 10 i need to be with the kids that day!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
11/5/09
today was another 7. not too bad of a week, but i feel like i've really been fighting the physical outburts again. follow-up appointment with the ob/gyn, and she's doubling my dosage again. i'll now be taking 40mg of celexa.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halloween 09
today was a 7 1/2. pretty good overall, but getting the kids and their nephews ready for trick-or-treating was very stressful and i started to get overwhelmed and agitated. not a bad day though.
Friday, October 30, 2009
10/30/09
another 8! brad came home from the hospital and is fine. i had a good day with the kids. his mom came to visit, which was nice, and then a got nearly a 5-HOUR shopping trip all on my own! granted, i felt bad for being gone so long and spending so much money, but 99% of the stuff we really needed. gotta learn how to let go of the guilt!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
10/29/09
today is an 8. i feel weird saying that b/c i had to take brad to the ER for chest pains. he's going to be there overnight so they can run more tests in the morning, but it looks like he's ok. i did have a good day as far as my PPD goes though! it seems that my PPD really seems to kick up more during the mondane day-to-day times, vs. a "crisis." i'm still able to be calm and think straight when i need to, and that's a huge blessing!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
10/28/09
today is a 7. had a good day, but the last 2 hours getting the kids snacked and to bed were trying!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10/27/09
today is an 8. i spent more time with the kids, especially ava, and she had a pretty good day. so did i.
10/26/09
today is a 6. just feeling very blah. i really didn't feel like going to therapy, but i went. it was good, but i'm feeling a little more overwhelmed. i'm starting to realize how hard this might be to overcome, and i'm overwhelmed thinking about the energy and effort it's going to take. also stressed feeling like i need to do better playing with my kids, which again is alot more effort and energy!
10/25/09
today was a 9! i was productive and pretty happy. ava came home mid-afternoon and had a good rest of the day herself. she even surprised me by cleaning up the family ALL BY HERSELF! i hadn't asked her to do it, and she did a GREAT job! it brought tears to my eyes and my husband and i made the biggest deal about it. she was so proud.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
10/24/09
today is an 8. a pretty good day all around, however my daughter (the biggest source of my stress) is at mema's so that's probably why! it's great to have a break though.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
10/19/09
today was a 4. got way too angry with ava. she was very whiny and frustrated all day, which wore on me. then at therapy i cried alot--just wanted to sob. i know that's not really a bad thing, but i haven't felt like crying like that in a while. i did however survive taking the kids to the pumpkin patch alone today, so that's good.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
10/17/09
today is an 8. emotionally i felt good but both kids are sick which is rough. i just can't believe i'm having such good days! i really feel like something changed this week. i'm so grateful. i just hope it keeps up! actually i've been thinking about changing the look of my blog. the black and blue seemed so appropriate when i started this--it reflected how i felt and how i felt about having ppd. but now when i log on it just looks so negative. i think i'll lighten it up and maybe add a few pictures.
Friday, October 16, 2009
10/16/09
today was a 7. i had a good day overall, but about lost my mind at a sick office visit to the doctor for my son. although, PPD or not, waiting 45 minutes in a germ-infested tiny exam room with a 3-year-old and sick 1-year old would be enough to drive anyone bonkers!!! i hate taking them to the doctor!!!! :)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10/15/09
****today is an 8, and it's because of any of you who looked at this blog! i was only doing this to get things off my chest and to track my progress. i never thought anyone would read it (i haven't told my friends/family about the blog.) it's pretty boring to read a bunch of scores, but i was "found" and that's been a great gift. several people have left supportive comments, and i thank you for it! i cried. it's such a relief to feel part of a network, and i must say it's amazing how we women can take care of each other!! no wonder we can still love our kids even with the PPD monster rearing it's ugly head! we are nurturers, and i'm feeling lucky to be a part of that. thanks for helping me heal ladies!!
oh, and by the way, even with 2 sick kids and a husband working 13-hour days, i held it together today! yay! and yay celexa! i'm so glad i sought out help.
oh, and by the way, even with 2 sick kids and a husband working 13-hour days, i held it together today! yay! and yay celexa! i'm so glad i sought out help.
10/14/09
today was an 8! took the kids out by myself to have fun and it went really well. i think the upped celexa dose is helping. i don't feel quite so overwhelmed about keeping up with the house and taking care of the kids. i'm starting to have more fun with them. i've really been focused on the whole "caveman" & "teachable moments" montra that i'm trying to use. so far so good, but i don't feel like i've been really tested by the family either! i guess that in itself is a victory.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
10/13/2009
today was a 7 1/2. i had a pretty good day until ava's bedtime, and i was very productive around the house.
Monday, October 12, 2009
10/12/2009
***today is a 6. i lost my cool with ava, but i had a bit of a breakthrough at therapy. i realize i have to change my perspective about myself and my kids. instead of "oh no, not again. i can't do this," i need to say to myself "i know this is coming. i can handle this." i need to remember they are cavemen, and i can't reason with a caveman! i also have to remember that i need to teach them how to deal with their negative emotions, and every outburst is a teachable moment. i should show them how to work through their feelings in an appropriate way, and not lead with the example of my PPD.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
10/6/09
today is a 9! had a good day with the kids, and brad was VERY helpful. he even decided to put ava to bed on his own! and she let him! i feel like it's possible to have really happy days at home now too...
Monday, October 5, 2009
10/5/09
had therapy and finally talked things out with brad over the 3-day incident. i can let go now...
today is a 7.
today is a 7.
10/4/09
today is a 5. feeling the same--brad's fine and thinks i should be too. i've mentioned that i'm not, but he doesn't seem to care. in fact, he laughs about it. i feel like i don't have the right to be upset, and that he feels i was wrong about this whole thing all along. i don't really care one way or another if we're around each other at this point. i'm just having a hard time letting this situation go because of his responses to me. i kinda feel like i'm back to square one.
10/3/09
today is a 5. had a decent time at the notre dame football game with brad's family, however i'm still very hurt by brad not caring to help resolve this situation. he's fine, but i'm not and he doesn't seem to care.
Friday, October 2, 2009
10/2/09
today is a 2. haven't been super angry, but feeling unsupported. i keep trying to smooth things over with brad but it just gets worse. he acutally used the words "verbally abused" with me. feel like the closeness we (i) gained is gone again.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Doctor Update
i had my 4-week follow-up with my ob/gyn today. she's doubling my celexa dose, and wants to see me back in another 4 weeks. she thinks were on the right path, and is pleased that i'm already responding to a low dose of the med.
today was a 5 . i had a very whiny daughter today, but managed to pretty much keep my cool. however, i tried to discuss the incident with brad and it did not go well.
today was a 5 . i had a very whiny daughter today, but managed to pretty much keep my cool. however, i tried to discuss the incident with brad and it did not go well.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My PPD Backstory
i am 30 years old, and the mother of ava, 3 (born august, 2006) and vaughn, 1 (born september, 2008). i had a normal pregnancy with both my kids. after having ava, i had the typical "baby blues" but they went away exactly 2 weeks after she was born. life after her was good. i rarely felt overwhelmed and enjoyed being her mom. when vaughn was born, i was thrilled. we had planned for both our kids, and he completed our family. however, as the months went on, my emotional state got worse and worse. finally, right before vaughn had his first birthday, i sought out help.
it seems that MY PPD RESULTED FROM the culmination of a lot of stressful events and the wacky hormones of giving birth & nursing. just months prior to getting pregnant, my husband brad and i decided it was best for our family to move back to illinois, so i moved from a big city that i loved to a very small town which i'm honestly kinda embarrassed to live in. most of my friends were in that city, so i lost most of my support system. i left a job that i was proud of, but it worked out that i could stay home with ava, which is what i thought i wanted. we bought a house, and a few months later i was pregnant with vaughn. i was very sick the whole first half of the pregnancy, and to make matters worse my husband was working away most of that time and barely came home at all. when vaughn arrived brad took a week off work, and then was gone again for quite a while. vaughn quickly developed reflux, and i struggled with nursing until i decided to give it up when he was 5 months cuz it was too stressful for both of us. feeding continued to be stressful until he was able to take a cup & straw at 10 1/2 months. and of couse ava had random stages of the "terrible 2's" during this year. all of these things closed in on me, i really didn't know if i could handle mothering 2 kids.
my symptoms didn't really match the first symptoms mentioned when you start researching PPD. that's why i put off seeing a doctor (now that i've really read up on the subject, i DO fit the PPD profile. it's just that every woman's PPD is different). i really didn't have a problem bonding with my kids, i am able to function (not lying in bed all day and even able to put on a happy face when needed), and i haven't lost interest in what i like to do. in fact, that's what i want--my old life back!
THE SYMPTOMS I DO HAVE ARE...
--alot of anger. i snap at my husband, and get very frustrated with the kids, especially ava. i used to get alot more upset with vaughn too, but now that we've made it through his reflux, he aggrevates me less. i will sadly admit that i have grabbed my daughter by the arm several times and picked up her up roughly. i have literally fought everyday (like through gritted teeth) to not pull her hair or push her--these have been overwhelming urges. when vaughn was really little and wouldn't go back to sleep at night, i was so exhausted and would get so upset that i would acutally hit myself in the back of my head because i was scared that if i didn't, i would hurt him instead.
--i have resentment towards my husband that his life hasn't changed to the same magnitude that mine has. i have no privacy, have to get up everytime one of kids awakes at night, sacrified my body for the kids, and am stuck at home all day, everyday with them clinging to me. meanwhile he gets several 30-minute "bathroom sessions" a day, goes to work and has adult conversation, and can run wherever, whenever he wants to.
--i have a poor body image, but no time, energy, or motivation to do anything about it.
--i want to cry all the time, and do often.
--i get alot of headaches and tons of tension in my shoulders.
--i'm tired most of the time.
--i do get those weird flashes of hurting my kids, mostly with cooking. if i'm using knives i think about what would happen if i just held it out and one of them ran into it. if i'm dumping boiling water down the sink, i think about what would happen if i dumped it on one of them. my god, it hurts my soul just to write that. i know these are just intrustive thoughts, and i would NEVER act on them, but it's aweful nonetheless.
--guilt, and alot of it. i feel guilty about not being a good enough mom, about spending any money, about not doing enough to help the environment...pretty much you name it, i'll feel guilty.
--i started to feel like i was running on empty and there were a lot of days when i thought i had nothing left to give.
i just started MY TREATMENT PLAN about 3 weeks ago. i saw an ob/gyn to discuss what was going on. i was a babbling, sobbing mess at that appointment! she was great, and offered me therapy and/or medication. after a lenghty discussion, we agreed on me doing both. i started taking celexa, an SSRI, 2 days later. after 3 weeks, i am feeling better. definitely not where i want to be yet, but a decent start. i'm not getting as angry as often or as severely most of the time. when i do get mad, it seems to pass quicker too. i don't feel the need to cry nearly as much, and i've wanted to be more cuddly with my husband. it does make me a little nauseaus throughout the day & night, but that seems to subside somewhat easily. i think it makes me a little tired too cuz i yawn all day and it's REALLY hard to get out bed, but then again that's never been my strongsuit.
i just had my first therapy session with a psychologist 2 days ago. it was very emotional, but nice to be in a "safe place" and not feel judged. i will be seeing her once a week for probably several months. she suggested journaling, or at least rating how the day was so i can look back and see my progress. at first i didn't like the idea of journaling because i really didn't want tangible proof of all of this. nor did i want to go back and think about it again after i'm feeling better. however, after the incident i mentioned in my first posting happened, i realized it might be healthy to get some of this crap off my chest. if i don't talk things out, i have a hard time letting go, so maybe this will help. and i do like the daily rating idea, so that's the number you'll see at the end of each entry. 10 is perfect, and 1 is a nightmare. anything above a 7 will mean that i've had no real anger. can't wait for lots of those days!
i have a 4-week follow-up appointment with my ob-gyn tomorrow to discuss how i'm doing and the med's effectiveness. i'm happy with the results of the low-dose i've been taking, but i think i probably do need to take a little more. but i also don't know how much to expect out of this drug. we'll see what she has to say...
it seems that MY PPD RESULTED FROM the culmination of a lot of stressful events and the wacky hormones of giving birth & nursing. just months prior to getting pregnant, my husband brad and i decided it was best for our family to move back to illinois, so i moved from a big city that i loved to a very small town which i'm honestly kinda embarrassed to live in. most of my friends were in that city, so i lost most of my support system. i left a job that i was proud of, but it worked out that i could stay home with ava, which is what i thought i wanted. we bought a house, and a few months later i was pregnant with vaughn. i was very sick the whole first half of the pregnancy, and to make matters worse my husband was working away most of that time and barely came home at all. when vaughn arrived brad took a week off work, and then was gone again for quite a while. vaughn quickly developed reflux, and i struggled with nursing until i decided to give it up when he was 5 months cuz it was too stressful for both of us. feeding continued to be stressful until he was able to take a cup & straw at 10 1/2 months. and of couse ava had random stages of the "terrible 2's" during this year. all of these things closed in on me, i really didn't know if i could handle mothering 2 kids.
my symptoms didn't really match the first symptoms mentioned when you start researching PPD. that's why i put off seeing a doctor (now that i've really read up on the subject, i DO fit the PPD profile. it's just that every woman's PPD is different). i really didn't have a problem bonding with my kids, i am able to function (not lying in bed all day and even able to put on a happy face when needed), and i haven't lost interest in what i like to do. in fact, that's what i want--my old life back!
THE SYMPTOMS I DO HAVE ARE...
--alot of anger. i snap at my husband, and get very frustrated with the kids, especially ava. i used to get alot more upset with vaughn too, but now that we've made it through his reflux, he aggrevates me less. i will sadly admit that i have grabbed my daughter by the arm several times and picked up her up roughly. i have literally fought everyday (like through gritted teeth) to not pull her hair or push her--these have been overwhelming urges. when vaughn was really little and wouldn't go back to sleep at night, i was so exhausted and would get so upset that i would acutally hit myself in the back of my head because i was scared that if i didn't, i would hurt him instead.
--i have resentment towards my husband that his life hasn't changed to the same magnitude that mine has. i have no privacy, have to get up everytime one of kids awakes at night, sacrified my body for the kids, and am stuck at home all day, everyday with them clinging to me. meanwhile he gets several 30-minute "bathroom sessions" a day, goes to work and has adult conversation, and can run wherever, whenever he wants to.
--i have a poor body image, but no time, energy, or motivation to do anything about it.
--i want to cry all the time, and do often.
--i get alot of headaches and tons of tension in my shoulders.
--i'm tired most of the time.
--i do get those weird flashes of hurting my kids, mostly with cooking. if i'm using knives i think about what would happen if i just held it out and one of them ran into it. if i'm dumping boiling water down the sink, i think about what would happen if i dumped it on one of them. my god, it hurts my soul just to write that. i know these are just intrustive thoughts, and i would NEVER act on them, but it's aweful nonetheless.
--guilt, and alot of it. i feel guilty about not being a good enough mom, about spending any money, about not doing enough to help the environment...pretty much you name it, i'll feel guilty.
--i started to feel like i was running on empty and there were a lot of days when i thought i had nothing left to give.
i just started MY TREATMENT PLAN about 3 weeks ago. i saw an ob/gyn to discuss what was going on. i was a babbling, sobbing mess at that appointment! she was great, and offered me therapy and/or medication. after a lenghty discussion, we agreed on me doing both. i started taking celexa, an SSRI, 2 days later. after 3 weeks, i am feeling better. definitely not where i want to be yet, but a decent start. i'm not getting as angry as often or as severely most of the time. when i do get mad, it seems to pass quicker too. i don't feel the need to cry nearly as much, and i've wanted to be more cuddly with my husband. it does make me a little nauseaus throughout the day & night, but that seems to subside somewhat easily. i think it makes me a little tired too cuz i yawn all day and it's REALLY hard to get out bed, but then again that's never been my strongsuit.
i just had my first therapy session with a psychologist 2 days ago. it was very emotional, but nice to be in a "safe place" and not feel judged. i will be seeing her once a week for probably several months. she suggested journaling, or at least rating how the day was so i can look back and see my progress. at first i didn't like the idea of journaling because i really didn't want tangible proof of all of this. nor did i want to go back and think about it again after i'm feeling better. however, after the incident i mentioned in my first posting happened, i realized it might be healthy to get some of this crap off my chest. if i don't talk things out, i have a hard time letting go, so maybe this will help. and i do like the daily rating idea, so that's the number you'll see at the end of each entry. 10 is perfect, and 1 is a nightmare. anything above a 7 will mean that i've had no real anger. can't wait for lots of those days!
i have a 4-week follow-up appointment with my ob-gyn tomorrow to discuss how i'm doing and the med's effectiveness. i'm happy with the results of the low-dose i've been taking, but i think i probably do need to take a little more. but i also don't know how much to expect out of this drug. we'll see what she has to say...
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