My PPD Backstory

i am 30 years old, and the mother of ava, 3 (born august, 2006) and vaughn, 1 (born september, 2008). i had a normal pregnancy with both my kids. after having ava, i had the typical "baby blues" but they went away exactly 2 weeks after she was born. life after her was good. i rarely felt overwhelmed and enjoyed being her mom. when vaughn was born, i was thrilled. we had planned for both our kids, and he completed our family. however, as the months went on, my emotional state got worse and worse. finally, right before vaughn had his first birthday, i sought out help.

it seems that MY PPD RESULTED FROM the culmination of a lot of stressful events and the wacky hormones of giving birth & nursing. just months prior to getting pregnant, my husband brad and i decided it was best for our family to move back to illinois, so i moved from a big city that i loved to a very small town which i'm honestly kinda embarrassed to live in. most of my friends were in that city, so i lost most of my support system. i left a job that i was proud of, but it worked out that i could stay home with ava, which is what i thought i wanted. we bought a house, and a few months later i was pregnant with vaughn. i was very sick the whole first half of the pregnancy, and to make matters worse my husband was working away most of that time and barely came home at all. when vaughn arrived brad took a week off work, and then was gone again for quite a while. vaughn quickly developed reflux, and i struggled with nursing until i decided to give it up when he was 5 months cuz it was too stressful for both of us. feeding continued to be stressful until he was able to take a cup & straw at 10 1/2 months. and of couse ava had random stages of the "terrible 2's" during this year. all of these things closed in on me, i really didn't know if i could handle mothering 2 kids.

my symptoms didn't really match the first symptoms mentioned when you start researching PPD. that's why i put off seeing a doctor (now that i've really read up on the subject, i DO fit the PPD profile. it's just that every woman's PPD is different). i really didn't have a problem bonding with my kids, i am able to function (not lying in bed all day and even able to put on a happy face when needed), and i haven't lost interest in what i like to do. in fact, that's what i want--my old life back!
THE SYMPTOMS I DO HAVE ARE...
--alot of anger. i snap at my husband, and get very frustrated with the kids, especially ava. i used to get alot more upset with vaughn too, but now that we've made it through his reflux, he aggrevates me less. i will sadly admit that i have grabbed my daughter by the arm several times and picked up her up roughly. i have literally fought everyday (like through gritted teeth) to not pull her hair or push her--these have been overwhelming urges. when vaughn was really little and wouldn't go back to sleep at night, i was so exhausted and would get so upset that i would acutally hit myself in the back of my head because i was scared that if i didn't, i would hurt him instead.
--i have resentment towards my husband that his life hasn't changed to the same magnitude that mine has. i have no privacy, have to get up everytime one of kids awakes at night, sacrified my body for the kids, and am stuck at home all day, everyday with them clinging to me. meanwhile he gets several 30-minute "bathroom sessions" a day, goes to work and has adult conversation, and can run wherever, whenever he wants to.
--i have a poor body image, but no time, energy, or motivation to do anything about it.
--i want to cry all the time, and do often.
--i get alot of headaches and tons of tension in my shoulders.
--i'm tired most of the time.
--i do get those weird flashes of hurting my kids, mostly with cooking. if i'm using knives i think about what would happen if i just held it out and one of them ran into it. if i'm dumping boiling water down the sink, i think about what would happen if i dumped it on one of them. my god, it hurts my soul just to write that. i know these are just intrustive thoughts, and i would NEVER act on them, but it's aweful nonetheless.
--guilt, and alot of it. i feel guilty about not being a good enough mom, about spending any money, about not doing enough to help the environment...pretty much you name it, i'll feel guilty.
--i started to feel like i was running on empty and there were a lot of days when i thought i had nothing left to give.

i just started MY TREATMENT PLAN about 3 weeks ago. i saw an ob/gyn to discuss what was going on. i was a babbling, sobbing mess at that appointment! she was great, and offered me therapy and/or medication. after a lenghty discussion, we agreed on me doing both. i started taking celexa, an SSRI, 2 days later. after 3 weeks, i am feeling better. definitely not where i want to be yet, but a decent start. i'm not getting as angry as often or as severely most of the time. when i do get mad, it seems to pass quicker too. i don't feel the need to cry nearly as much, and i've wanted to be more cuddly with my husband. it does make me a little nauseaus throughout the day & night, but that seems to subside somewhat easily. i think it makes me a little tired too cuz i yawn all day and it's REALLY hard to get out bed, but then again that's never been my strongsuit.

i just had my first therapy session with a psychologist 2 days ago. it was very emotional, but nice to be in a "safe place" and not feel judged. i will be seeing her once a week for probably several months. she suggested journaling, or at least rating how the day was so i can look back and see my progress. at first i didn't like the idea of journaling because i really didn't want tangible proof of all of this. nor did i want to go back and think about it again after i'm feeling better. however, after the incident i mentioned in my first posting happened, i realized it might be healthy to get some of this crap off my chest. if i don't talk things out, i have a hard time letting go, so maybe this will help. and i do like the daily rating idea, so that's the number you'll see at the end of each entry. 10 is perfect, and 1 is a nightmare. anything above a 7 will mean that i've had no real anger. can't wait for lots of those days!

i have a 4-week follow-up appointment with my ob-gyn tomorrow to discuss how i'm doing and the med's effectiveness. i'm happy with the results of the low-dose i've been taking, but i think i probably do need to take a little more. but i also don't know how much to expect out of this drug. we'll see what she has to say...