Halloween 09

today was a 7 1/2. pretty good overall, but getting the kids and their nephews ready for trick-or-treating was very stressful and i started to get overwhelmed and agitated. not a bad day though.

10/30/09

another 8! brad came home from the hospital and is fine. i had a good day with the kids. his mom came to visit, which was nice, and then a got nearly a 5-HOUR shopping trip all on my own! granted, i felt bad for being gone so long and spending so much money, but 99% of the stuff we really needed. gotta learn how to let go of the guilt!

10/29/09

today is an 8. i feel weird saying that b/c i had to take brad to the ER for chest pains. he's going to be there overnight so they can run more tests in the morning, but it looks like he's ok. i did have a good day as far as my PPD goes though! it seems that my PPD really seems to kick up more during the mondane day-to-day times, vs. a "crisis." i'm still able to be calm and think straight when i need to, and that's a huge blessing!

10/28/09

today is a 7. had a good day, but the last 2 hours getting the kids snacked and to bed were trying!!!

10/27/09

today is an 8. i spent more time with the kids, especially ava, and she had a pretty good day. so did i.

10/26/09

today is a 6. just feeling very blah. i really didn't feel like going to therapy, but i went. it was good, but i'm feeling a little more overwhelmed. i'm starting to realize how hard this might be to overcome, and i'm overwhelmed thinking about the energy and effort it's going to take. also stressed feeling like i need to do better playing with my kids, which again is alot more effort and energy!

10/25/09

today was a 9! i was productive and pretty happy. ava came home mid-afternoon and had a good rest of the day herself. she even surprised me by cleaning up the family ALL BY HERSELF! i hadn't asked her to do it, and she did a GREAT job! it brought tears to my eyes and my husband and i made the biggest deal about it. she was so proud.

10/24/09

today is an 8. a pretty good day all around, however my daughter (the biggest source of my stress) is at mema's so that's probably why! it's great to have a break though.

10/23/09

today is a 5. still a little sick. daughter really pushing my buttons today!

10/21/09

today is another 6. ditto from yesterday.

10/21/09

today is a 6. i'm pretty sick, but the kids were decent.

10/20/09

today is another 4. super whiny daughter, plus i'm getting sick. rough, long day!

10/19/09

today was a 4. got way too angry with ava. she was very whiny and frustrated all day, which wore on me. then at therapy i cried alot--just wanted to sob. i know that's not really a bad thing, but i haven't felt like crying like that in a while. i did however survive taking the kids to the pumpkin patch alone today, so that's good.

10/18/09

today is a 7. did really well until the kids' bedtime. i ran out of steam and patience.

10/17/09

today is an 8. emotionally i felt good but both kids are sick which is rough. i just can't believe i'm having such good days! i really feel like something changed this week. i'm so grateful. i just hope it keeps up! actually i've been thinking about changing the look of my blog. the black and blue seemed so appropriate when i started this--it reflected how i felt and how i felt about having ppd. but now when i log on it just looks so negative. i think i'll lighten it up and maybe add a few pictures.

10/16/09

today was a 7. i had a good day overall, but about lost my mind at a sick office visit to the doctor for my son. although, PPD or not, waiting 45 minutes in a germ-infested tiny exam room with a 3-year-old and sick 1-year old would be enough to drive anyone bonkers!!! i hate taking them to the doctor!!!! :)

10/15/09

****today is an 8, and it's because of any of you who looked at this blog! i was only doing this to get things off my chest and to track my progress. i never thought anyone would read it (i haven't told my friends/family about the blog.) it's pretty boring to read a bunch of scores, but i was "found" and that's been a great gift. several people have left supportive comments, and i thank you for it! i cried. it's such a relief to feel part of a network, and i must say it's amazing how we women can take care of each other!! no wonder we can still love our kids even with the PPD monster rearing it's ugly head! we are nurturers, and i'm feeling lucky to be a part of that. thanks for helping me heal ladies!!
oh, and by the way, even with 2 sick kids and a husband working 13-hour days, i held it together today! yay! and yay celexa! i'm so glad i sought out help.

10/14/09

today was an 8! took the kids out by myself to have fun and it went really well. i think the upped celexa dose is helping. i don't feel quite so overwhelmed about keeping up with the house and taking care of the kids. i'm starting to have more fun with them. i've really been focused on the whole "caveman" & "teachable moments" montra that i'm trying to use. so far so good, but i don't feel like i've been really tested by the family either! i guess that in itself is a victory.

10/13/2009

today was a 7 1/2. i had a pretty good day until ava's bedtime, and i was very productive around the house.

10/12/2009

***today is a 6. i lost my cool with ava, but i had a bit of a breakthrough at therapy. i realize i have to change my perspective about myself and my kids. instead of "oh no, not again. i can't do this," i need to say to myself "i know this is coming. i can handle this." i need to remember they are cavemen, and i can't reason with a caveman! i also have to remember that i need to teach them how to deal with their negative emotions, and every outburst is a teachable moment. i should show them how to work through their feelings in an appropriate way, and not lead with the example of my PPD.

10/7/09

today is a 7.

10/6/09

today is a 9! had a good day with the kids, and brad was VERY helpful. he even decided to put ava to bed on his own! and she let him! i feel like it's possible to have really happy days at home now too...

10/5/09

had therapy and finally talked things out with brad over the 3-day incident. i can let go now...
today is a 7.

10/4/09

today is a 5. feeling the same--brad's fine and thinks i should be too. i've mentioned that i'm not, but he doesn't seem to care. in fact, he laughs about it. i feel like i don't have the right to be upset, and that he feels i was wrong about this whole thing all along. i don't really care one way or another if we're around each other at this point. i'm just having a hard time letting this situation go because of his responses to me. i kinda feel like i'm back to square one.

10/3/09

today is a 5. had a decent time at the notre dame football game with brad's family, however i'm still very hurt by brad not caring to help resolve this situation. he's fine, but i'm not and he doesn't seem to care.

10/2/09

today is a 2. haven't been super angry, but feeling unsupported. i keep trying to smooth things over with brad but it just gets worse. he acutally used the words "verbally abused" with me. feel like the closeness we (i) gained is gone again.

Doctor Update

i had my 4-week follow-up with my ob/gyn today. she's doubling my celexa dose, and wants to see me back in another 4 weeks. she thinks were on the right path, and is pleased that i'm already responding to a low dose of the med.

today was a 5 . i had a very whiny daughter today, but managed to pretty much keep my cool. however, i tried to discuss the incident with brad and it did not go well.